I don't even know why I'm writing in here again. I really have not much to say. But make sure you check out my previous entry cause that's where I actually made a decent update.
I was just looking through saved conversations that I have had with Todd. I sent them to my private hotmail address to be able to look them over when I want to. I actually even created a VERY private diary here to save the most important conversations and also the letter I started to write him when I ended our relationship.
I WILL finish it. And I will give it to him. I am also planning to make a CD just for him with songs that mean something to both of us from our past and songs that mean something now.
One song is "You Still Move Me" by Dan Seals. You should give it a listen. If you reverse it to a girl singing it to a guy... that is ME.
Anyway, seeing those private conversations between he and I... well they made me remember just how much I want him... even though my brain has been trying to over rule my heart for the last month... I've been trying to forget... but my mind keeps wandering back to him.
What on earth am I going to do???
Btw, I may let a select few read those private conversations and my letter. Only for maybe a little feedback or a take on the whole situation that is different from mine. It's hard to think clearly when I am so involved in this situation.
Just email me at scottygirl91@hotmail.com or leave a note or guestbook message if your interested... but I'll need a good honest email from ya before I'll consider letting you read. After all, I've gotta trust you a little to bare my soul so completely. No one but Brenda has seen these.
And before I go... I think just for the fun of it that I will describe my hotty, Todd. I need to express just how beautiful he is... if only on the outside at times. :-(
He is 30 years old, 6'2 with black hair... not thin or gangly by any means. Very solid with muscles and a sculpted back and chest. I used to call him "thick" when I was 15 to describe him... I think he thought I meant some other region of him... but I actually meant his body.. even though it would describe that to a tee also... he he
He has the most beautiful ice blue eyes and here is the clincher... DIMPLES... 2 beautiful dimples that make his whole face simply light up when he grins. One look into those eyes and at those dimples and I'm toast. I melt.
And please believe that this is not the only reason that I want him so much. The physical attraction is a large part obviously. But there is so much more. When we touch, electricity spirals through us both. We have chemistry simply put. He is the only man I have felt that power with. Plus we have a long past... We dated for years when I was 15 and on... I only met my current husband when Todd and I were split up for a time. Ended up getting pregnant and things progressed rapidly from there until I found myself married and pregnant with my second child after losing my first. Shawn (my hubby) was my rebound man.. and I do love him... but no one can replace Todd to me. I mean, we had a scrapbook filled with pictures as his house was built. I was meant to live there with him. We were just so young...
And I realize that he has his problems... problems for which I should really hate him at times... He is a player, plain and simple. But in his own way, he loved me. And maybe he still does... I don't know. I only know he can't let me go either.
I don't know why I just got so long winded here... but I believe someone who read my diary once told me that I somehow hide things here... leave things untold about myself. So I guess after 5 months of barely writing, I want to clear that up. I plan to be totally honest and write every feeling in here regardless of what others think. After all... this is MY diary. My life.
More later...
Almost too much - March 24, 2006
Contact... Oh God - March 22, 2006
Life is cruel - March 02, 2006
Todd's Back... - September 03, 2005
still here - February 12, 2005
I feeltoday