I've been thinking, and I guess its time that I wrote down my feelings concerning Brenda ("J").
(1) because I need to sort this strange friendship out for myself, and
(2) because so many people have questioned me about why I give her the time of day
It does sound odd, even to me, to read what I've written about Brenda. In one entry, I am very cold and even hateful in my writing, but in others I mention how we have been painting or out buggying. Somewhere in my mind, it all does make sense, but in a clouded, fucked up way.
My mind is struggling with two things that both factor into this friendship. I grew up with her... we have been friends since childhood and I know everything there is to know about her. She was abandoned by her father as a little girl and has craved his love ever since. There is nothing she wouldn't do for this man, even though he treats his step-daughters 10 times better than her. Her first husband beat her constantly and she is lucky to have made it out alive from that marriage. Now she has found an awesome man, one I have known since childhood also. And he adores her.
But...
She put me through hell 4 years ago because I named my dying son, David even though she was naming her son (born the same month) David also. She didn't come to his funeral and we didn't speak for about 2 years. Recently we talked it out and she now says she was never really mad about it and that she was just afraid to come to the funeral because she thought I was angry at her (even though I never, ever said I was) This is bullshit I think... but hey, I'm a forgiving person... and I worked it out with her...
then,
She slept with Todd back in September of 2002. Todd, my one true love, the one I have loved FOREVER. And she knew how I felt. She didn't know the extent of it because I had never shared it with her completely... (didn't think it was anyone's business but mine and Todd's). But she knew I had feelings. She would get drunk and tell me how hot she thought he was. And I told her that I would be devastated if she ever slept with him because of my feelings. She says now that she didn't believe that (?) and that is why she did it anyway.
So this night, I saw her go there, and I found her van hidden in the woods and I left her a note (YOU DIDN'T HIDE YOUR VAN VERY WELL), then I left, after calling him and letting him lie to me about going to bed early and not being able to talk to me. I almost said, "tell Brenda I said hi", but I was too chicken.. he he he but wouldn't it have been hilarious to see her racing down that hill in her van trying to get home before I told her husband. I almost took her keys and whipped them further in the woods, but I didn't dare. I even had them under her tire, but then I put them back.
She arrived at my house the next morning... and she cried and told me (because my note kinda gave away that I already knew). I wanted to punch her in the face, but I didn't. But after that, I stopped speaking to her for weeks.
You can't imagine the sick feeling in my stomach and the utter sadness that took over my whole being at the thought of them together. And you know the really sad part? I had full intentions of telling him off the next day, but I ended up going to his house the next night and never said a word. I couldn't. I still don't know why.
Whatever.
Anyway, my life has been a rollercoaster ride ever since. She finally admitted that she felt she loved him... at which point I admitted that there is much more to Todd and I than she originally thought. And I told her point blank that I was not letting him go. I saw the hurt in her eyes and I loved every moment of telling her things I've never told anyone else... I needed her to know exactly what he and I have... and that her little fling was not as "special" as she had thought.
And I know that he is at fault too... and we have talked about it a bit since. I never said he was perfect. And I lost a lot of respect for him that night. But I still love him.
Ok.. this is becoming a book. Wow. To make a long story short...
I care for her because we do have a long history of being friends, we have gone through a lot together and I know that in many ways she is fucked up and always making wrong decisions because of her shitty past.
But...
she hurt me terribly and now I don't trust her, even though she says it is over. And I am driven crazy with a need to watch her... and make sure they are not together or if he is there, that I am there too. To know when he calls and what he says to her... staying close to her gives me a bit of the inside scoop and a way of knowing more than I would otherwise. Plus, I get to see him there because he is friends with her husband. The old saying, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" applies here perfectly. So somehow this girl is someone I care for and want to help in some way, but also someone I hate because of the horrible way she hurt me.
Anyway, there is a screwed up explanation of something I hardly understand myself. Hopefully it makes a little sense.
Almost too much - March 24, 2006
Contact... Oh God - March 22, 2006
Life is cruel - March 02, 2006
Todd's Back... - September 03, 2005
still here - February 12, 2005
I feeltoday