Hi again...
I know... must be shocking to hear from me again so soon. Try not to fall over in surprise.
he he
Crazy, but I've been dreaming about Todd every single night. Could be because he's all I think about before I go to sleep.
It is times like this... when I miss him so much and things here at home are so unsatisfying to me that the name of this diary makes so much sense to me...
WHY DOES IT HURT???
I don't understand why I can't have everything I've ever dreamed about. My friend Joy has the man she first loved. They are together finally after several years. She dumped the asshole she was with and now she is living the life she was meant to live.
I'm happy for her but so jealous at the same time. I look at Shawn and I admit I do care about him. I would not want to see him hurt. But...
I don't love him anymore. Not like a wife should. The hate and the mind games have taken their toll on me and I don't know how to find the love that is now buried so deep.
All I know is that I hurt...
Deeply...
And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of myself and and my inability to do what is right for me...
I'm frustrated that I simply cannot stop loving Todd... and end this empty feeling inside. I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't love Todd... or when he wasn't some part of me.
I need help... I need a new life...
God... it hurts.
Almost too much - March 24, 2006
Contact... Oh God - March 22, 2006
Life is cruel - March 02, 2006
Todd's Back... - September 03, 2005
still here - February 12, 2005
I feeltoday