We have had a straight week of rain and fog. What the hell kind of summer is this anyway? Grrrr. I'm so disgusted.
Anyway... I know its been ages since I really updated... and as usual the only excuse I have is work. But its a good one. Summer really is busy. When I'm not working, I'm heading out to the pond with the kids... trying to get in some quality time with them before I have to go back to work again.
Things with Shawn are good right at this moment. But we have had our episodes for sure. He flipped out at me last week because an ex-boyfriend showed up at Brenda's while I was spreading my dulse. This was not something I had any control over and I didn't speak to him at all. I was too busy working. He chatted with Brenda's husband and left. But Shawn dropped off his daughter to play with Brenda's daughter and then he left pretty damn quickly. I knew right then what I would face when I got home.
My stomach in knots and my heart full of dread, I came home and tried to pretend everything was normal. He came charging at me and threw me into the closet doors in our kitchen before I had a chance to say a word.
I was so overtired that I flipped out at him and at the injustice of it all. I told him I couldn't live in fear of who showed up while I was working and I told him to leave. I said I wanted a separation. I begged him to get out. He wouldn't. I called my mom and cried my heart out to her... explaining that I just needed to hear the voice of someone who loved me.
Well...
She called my dad who showed up 10 minutes later. He told Shawn off and when Shawn tried to tell him about why he was mad, dad said, "you better get a grip"... he asked me if Shawn hit me... and Shawn got so mad. He threatened to "go a round" with dad and got very defensive. He tried to blame our fight on my overtiredness.
I was so afraid that Shawn would try to start a fight with dad. I was in the middle of them and just wishing it would be over. Eventually dad left but he told me as he was walking away that it was either him showing up or my brother and he figured it was better him than my brother.
I later found out that my brother had been standing beside a tree outside my house listening and waiting... If he had come in the door, he wouldn't have stopped in the kitchen, he would have headed for the living room and got in Shawn's face... Shawn would have acted all tough and said the wrong things... My brother, full of pent up rage over his baby sister, would have cleaned his clock at that point...
I know its coming...
Something else that really bothered me was when I was punished for not having sex with him last week. I had come home from work and gone to get the kids from the babysitter's. I was so tired that I almost passed out in her porch. I shouldn't have been driving. I made it home and crawled into bed at 8:45. I had to get up at 3:00 am the next morning to go back to work.
Shawn wanted sex. I was on my period and way too tired to even consider it. I said no. What followed was my punishment. He kept me awake until almost 11:00 that night. He turned on lights, got in bed, kicked, nudged, talked, elbowed me... on purpose to keep me awake for not having sex with him when he wanted it. He continued until I completely lost it and burst into tears... begging him to please stop. I explained for the umpteenth time that I just could not get up and go to work the next morning if he didn't stop...
At this point, he said, "what the hell is wrong with you? Your flipping out!"
Well YEH! Of course I was flipping out. I am living with a lunatic.
Anyway, he finally gave up and I got to sleep... but the memory of his sick little game will stay with me forever.
Basically, it is over, but he doesn't know it. We are in the honeymoon phase right now... and that continues to get shorter and shorter each time. I can't take much more. By fall, I am gonna have to get out of here. I'll just hope and pray that I get the house in the end... I don't want to lose this place...
That's it for now... I know this entry is way too long... and most people will only skim it... but I needed to get it out and this is my diary... so no big deal.
I'm gonna get at cleaning my house now... Hannah and Jenna are having a blast messing it up while I'm typing away. Partners in crime... that's what they are... lol.
I promise I'll update more often... my sister is coming down for a week and dulsing starts back up next week, but I'll drop in updates whenever I get a chance...
Chow...
Almost too much - March 24, 2006
Contact... Oh God - March 22, 2006
Life is cruel - March 02, 2006
Todd's Back... - September 03, 2005
still here - February 12, 2005
I feeltoday