Something is wrong when, after years of no incident of this kind, suddenly someone who is supposed to love you and cherish you deeply spits in your face 7 times in a two month period.
Yep, after 2 days of relatively peaceful life here at our house... the dictator exploded yet again. Why am I so shocked again? I didn't see it coming I guess.
We were sitting on the couch watching TV and he had been pretty damn nice to me all day long. He was talking about planting flowers together out here in the yard with the kids on Saturday and about watching a movie together cuddled on the couch later when they were to bed.
Things once again seemed to be looking up. I was thinking, "Hey, maybe it could actually be ok for us... maybe we can somehow make this work." Which is what I always begin thinking on those days in between the hatefulness. I stupidly get my hopes up... because in my heart of hearts, I don't want this marriage to be a failure... I want to be happy and try to make a go of it with him somehow. And I begin to think that maybe we can do it.
Ha.
He mentioned that Brenda's husband drinks quite a bit... because apparently he had a few drinks yesterday while on a day trip with her. I disagreed with him, but made no big deal of it... I only said, "he doesn't drink that much, YOU used to drink a lot." Now, a little background here. Shawn used to drink A LOT. He was one of those guys who would go out and party all night, sleep with someone (even though his girlfriend was home sleeping) and wake up the next morning, only to drink more liquor to cure his hangover... or so he said. But my point is this... most of us have all got memories of drinking days... we've all partied. I, myself drank non-stop for a full year of hard partying when I was 18 and Todd and I were done (well, done officially, but not privately... I know... stupid me) Anyway, most of us don't mind talking about it, even laughing about it... I look back on that time of my life and think about how fun it was, if at times stupid... Not a big deal, right?
So, when I said this remark, I meant nothing by it...just a statement. I guess once again I failed to recognize his potential for inner rage to come boiling to the surface over any small thing. My jaw dropped when he came full off the couch, screamed in my face that I was a bitch from hell and promptly spit in my face. The he cursed all the way to our room about me bringing up his past and slammed the door. It was like the flip of a switch. That's how quickly his mood changed. How quick he was to react with pure rage... Nice man... flip switch... man enraged. Watch out.
??????
I was speechless, humiliated, degraded and in tears. He NEVER used to react so violently to such small things.
So, yeh... 7th time I've had his spit in my face in 2 months. Going on 8 months since he began to gradually change into this man I no longer know.
Something is wrong... desperately wrong.
I don't think there is much hope.
I think he hates me. He said so last night... maybe I should start to believe him.
Almost too much - March 24, 2006
Contact... Oh God - March 22, 2006
Life is cruel - March 02, 2006
Todd's Back... - September 03, 2005
still here - February 12, 2005
I feeltoday